THE PRICE OF ADMISSION

THE PRICE OF ADMISSION

In my dreams
I'm in an airplane
flying into the darkness 
alone, shoeless
The walls of the plane
are painted bright red
with water running down them
hard and steady
like blood 
falling from an open sky
The floor is covered in snow
there are no lights out the windows
it's cold
I'm holding my beating heart
in my own hands
as it turns to sand
and slips through my fingers
when I notice
there's a toll booth
up ahead.

10/30/2004



   I wrote that years ago, when I knew there would be a day when I would have to pay for my sins.  I never thought my price would be so high or my penance could ever be so great, my insight behind it so blindingly clear, that I would find myself where I am now.
  There's no way to defend myself, nothing to justify any of it, no chance to find peace or redemption, to find just one solitary thing to hold on to to give my life meaning.  It's a brutal, horrifying lesson to be taught what would happen if you died while you were still alive, to know that you have made no difference and left no void.
   I found out about myself - and owned it two weeks after having a massive right hemisphere stroke, leaving me paralyzed, unable to speak correctly, sight and thoughts compromised, unable to even sit up without falling over.  It was truly my lowest, darkest point ever.
   I was placed in a sub-acute rehab hospital, well known for its intensive brain injury program.  It only took me a short time to realize what kind of place I was in and how profoundly damaged and impaired I was.  The unit was like The Snake Pit, with screaming and yelling, lots of noise and chaos. The most evident was how absolutely alone and abandoned I was, how different I felt and how unfamiliar just being seemed.  I often wondered if I was the  only one who knew I was still alive.
   Every day, my roommate's family and friends visited.  Every day, she was brought lunch, dinner, books, gifts, coffee.  For hours I would hear them talking, telling stories, reading, laughing.  And every day I wondered where my family and friends were.  I was taken to the Vegetable Garden in the Lobby and I understood.